I Don’t Wanna Play Anymore…maybe…

As you can tell by my infrequent posts, I’m sick of talking about cancer.  I’m sick of thinking about it…there are days I wished it never touched my life. I guess it’s not uncommon to feel that.  But when cancer struck me a second time, in a much more serious and scary way, I was bound and determined to be positive about it, to make that time, as frightening and painful as it was, be worth something.  I wanted to feel renewed and have an eternal optimism for life.

All in all, yes, I’m very positive, and yes, I love life.  But there are days I just don’t want to play in the cancer sandbox any more.

As my husband has to remind me periodically, I don’t have cancer anymore.  It’s gone.  They took it out. That’s why I had a mastectomy, changed my body…and whether I acknowledge it or want to acknowledge it, it changed me.

But I’m done with that now. I’m ready to move on.  Except visits to my doctor every three months (although the reports are good!), and now a recent visit to my plastic surgeon to finally discuss reconstruction options, I’m done with this. These visits keep reminding me of this insidious disease.  Heck, looking in the mirror reminds me of this disease!  Still, I have to believe I’m done and there’s more to do.

So, where do I go from here? How do I cope? I started this blog with the idea of providing encouragement, hope and a positive attitude.  But there are times when I get tired of thinking about it all. I just want to be a “normal” person again.  I guess in many ways, I have yet to adjust to my “new” normal…whatever that may be.

Of course, I could be in this frame of mind because I’m about to have a “job” change — and 2011 is going to be totally different. I get to do what most people can never imagine doing… I get to pursue my dream full time.  I’m currently serving as vice-president for ACFW (American Christian Fiction Writers…check us out at http://www.acfw.com), and my term ends at the end of December.  I’ve stepped back from most of my other volunteer things, and with the exception of a few paying contract jobs, I am free to write starting in 2011.  Whew…that’s exciting, yet daunting, in a lot of ways.  I’m just hoping and praying I have the stamina and gift it takes to complete a manuscript or two!

It’s weird… sometimes I feel like I cope better with things that are out of my control. Like getting cancer.  I HAD to have surgery, I had to deal with poking and proding from doctors…and yes, while it’s a roller coaster ride, you know you have to go along for that ride. 

Now, things are back in my control, so to speak (as a Christian, I know God is in control)… but with my writing dreams: I have to sit my butt down in my chair every day and have my hands on the keyboard and get to work…creating and writing, even when my muse has abandoned me and the last thing I want to do is create and write.  It’s then I have to remind myself that when it flows, the writing is so sweet and there’s nothing else in the world I want to do.  I have to trust that God gave me this gift, so He’ll use it for His purpose. Even that knowledge doesn’t make it any less scary or intimidating. 

This is my chance to live the rest of my life. My cancer is gone, and by God’s grace, it’s gone forever!  Now is the time to follow my dreams, not procrastinate and not waste this life.  So, while I’m tired of talking cancer, maybe it’s purpose is to lead me to this next phase…the “pursuing my dreams” phase.  And if my writing is fuller and deeper, and helps just one person in any part of their own life journey, then it’s worth it all.

Okay, 2011 — bring it on.  I may have to detour for more surgery, but the reconstructive kind, so that may be positive in the long run…then hopefully the writing will come, the words will hit the page.  Who knows, maybe that will be reflected through this blog as well.  Shall we continue on this journey? 

Let’s go!

Keep on truckin’ everyone!

3 thoughts on “I Don’t Wanna Play Anymore…maybe…

  1. “It's weird… sometimes I feel like I cope better with things that are out of my control.”

    Oh wow, Becky. I can so relate to this post. Cancer was such a giant looming suddenly in my life, eleven years ago, I just stood before it and handed my little sling-shot to God. There was nothing I could do but walk forward and know He had my back, and whatever happened, I was in His hands.

    Now, when I have at least the illusion of control over things, it's so easy to try and walk through situations in my own strength and with my own wisdom. The little foxes get me far too often.

    So I'm praying that I will face every part of my life (writing and the journey to being published, in particular) as I did the cancer. Do what I know to do, even when all this is is submit, and trust the whole of it to Him to guide, equip, encourage, and keep me in perfect peace as I fix my mind on Him.

    May you do the same (I'll pray for you!), and congratulations on having the freedom to write. That's a gift, as I'm sure you know. Having had cancer makes me more sensitive to the gift of time. Every day I'm able to sit here and do what I love (and what demands my all and leaves me drained mentally and physically at the end of the day), I am grateful for. I've fallen into the habit of thanking God with articulate prayer before and after every day of writing. Before for the opportunity, and after for the work of the day, no matter how I feel about its quality.

    You really spoke to my heart with this post, because I also understand the desire to stop talking about it because there is so much more to me than having had cancer. I reached that point too, but I still get blessed whenever I'm able to encourage and comfort someone going through the same trial, particularly fellow writers. Blessings to you!

    Like

  2. “It's weird… sometimes I feel like I cope better with things that are out of my control.”

    Becky, I can so relate to this post. Cancer was such a giant looming suddenly in my life, eleven years ago, I just stood before and and handed my little sling shot to God. There was nothing I could do but walk forward and know He had my back, and whatever happened, I was in His hands.

    Now, when I have at least the illusion of control over things, it's so easy to try and walk through situations in my own strength and with my own wisdom. The little foxes get me far too often.

    So I'm praying that I will face every part of my life (writing and the journey to being published, in particular) as I did the cancer. Do what I know to do, even when all this is is submit, and trust the whole of it to Him to guide, equip, encourage, and keep me in perfect peace as I fix my mind on Him.

    May you do the same (I'll pray for you!), and congratulations on having the freedom to write. That's a gift, as I'm sure you know. Having had cancer makes me more sensitive to the gift of time. Every day I'm able to sit here and do what I love (and what demands my all and leaves me drained mentally and physically at the end of the day), I am grateful for. I've fallen into the habit of thanking God with articulate prayer before and after every day of writing. Before for the opportunity, and after for the work of the day, no matter how I feel about its quality.

    Blessings to you!

    Like

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