Category: blended families

Raising Step-Children: Not a Competition

Mother’s Day has just passed. In this age of COVID-19, many of us didn’t see our mothers face to face, but we all hopefully still found a way to honor them.

For me, I come at motherhood with a slightly different perspective. You see, I fell in love and married a widower with two children. Thankfully, that widower had been my high school sweetheart. But that’s a story for another day.

I never take for granted that those two wonderful children (who are now grown and married) were able to open their hearts and make room for a new mother in their lives. There were many days that were difficult as I tried to make room for them to grieve, to make it easy for them to share memories of their mother, and to keep their traditions alive while trying to create our own traditions and memories. It wasn’t always easy, but these two kids were worth it. No doubt.

The fact that they both honor me on Mother’s Day is a blessing. One I treasure immensely every year. And the fact that their late mother’s family also has welcomed me and accepted me is a gift, that I continue to marvel at year after year.

There were times while my kids were growing up, when things got tough, that I tried to think what their mother, or any mother, would want for her kids. My conclusion is that she’d want someone to love them, cherish them, and care for them. To show them as fierce a love as she would give them. That was my guide as I stepped into parenthood.

I’m not trying to pat myself on the back here. My point is twofold: first, to thank my kids, and thank their grandparents, for their love and acceptance of me. Trust me, it is a treasure in my heart.

And second, for all of us to remember what can happen when we open our hearts and let love in; when we quit drawing lines in the sand, and quit putting boundaries up that keep us apart. My kids still retain the love of their mother’s family. They still have their mother in their hearts. But they made room. They made room in their hearts for me, and for my family. And by opening up, knocking down the wall of grief, they received a whole new batch of people to love them. Their family just grew. No one “replaced” anyone else. More people were added into the mix to love them.

And I received a new branch of the family as well, with my kids’ grandparents, and aunt and uncles, and cousins.

If you’re in a step-family, second marriage, have children from one parent and another — keep the walls knocked down. Don’t draw lines in the sand.

Raising children is not a competition.

It truly is amazing what happens when you tear walls down and let love in.

 

A Different Kind of Adoption

My next few blog posts will focus on Mothers and Mother’s Day. As Mother’s Day ranks third in most money spent for the holiday (behind Black Friday and Valentine’s Day), it’s a big deal.

As I became a mother by marriage, I tend to focus on different kinds of Moms. And how surprising it is when you keep your heart open to the people in your lives.

A few years ago, my husband and I noticed an older lady who always sat by herself at church. My husband, being much more outgoing than I am, decided we should sit with her. We introduced ourselves and she mumbled her name.

It was apparent that she was very shy, and probably preferred to be left alone. Yet week after week, we were drawn to her and continued to sit with her. Eventually, she began talking to us more and more. But it took lots of time, lots of patience, and my husband, with his whacky sense of humor, had her warming up to us.

It turned out that “Dee” was widowed, and lived alone, and sadly, was not in touch with her only child. She’s a tiny woman, not even five-feet tall, but quick-witted, spry and a go-getter. She’s very shy and introverted, but regular with her church-going. However, week after week, friendship began to blossom.

Fast forward as hubby and I have faced a serious health issue with my mother, and on the flipside, the birth of our first grandchild. Dee walked beside us through all of it. She’s prayed and supported us, provided wisdom and sage advice.

So, what started out as us sitting next to a lonely widow, has turned out to her adopting us into her world. One time at church, when we were out of town, someone asked her where her son and daughter-in-law were. I think that tickled all of us as we didn’t realize we presented a picture of family to those around us.

Now, every week, we show her updated pictures of our granddaughter, whom she has adopted as her great-granddaughter. She even shows off pictures to others at church!

We took a chance sitting next to her, when at the time, it was clear she was shy and probably preferred to sit alone. Yet we felt compelled to keep sitting with her.

And instead of us adopting her, she ended up adopting us. We have a new mom whom we love and laugh with, and now can’t imagine her not being in our life.

Mothers come in different persons, if you open your heart.

What about you? Do you have another mother in your life?

Being Inspired

As a writer, I’ve trained myself to try to be observant to the world around me. I love to people watch, and sometimes I can’t help but eavesdrop on conversations at the local coffee shop. You never know what is going to inspire you, no matter how small it may seem. A snatch of a phrase here or an action or motion there. But in observing the world, you sometimes overlook what’s right in your own home.

I’ve been honored to have three stories published in various Chicken Soup for the Soul books, including the one out now for Mother’s Day -“Chicken Soup for the Soul: Best Mom Ever!” Many writers are inspired by their own parents, and I definitely admire my mother for her strength and courage, and fun sense of humor.
Chicken Soup Covers

But in the case of two out of my three stories for Chicken Soup, the inspiration has come from my daughter, Bonnie.

Bonnie became my daughter via marriage to her father. She started as my step-daughter, but our relationship grew to the point where she asked to be legally adopted ; This story was recounted in Chicken Soup for the Soul: Celebrating Mothers and Daughter. From there, I watched her finish high school to going to college, to shopping with her for her wedding dress to most recently, walking with her through her own pregnancy and birth of her beautiful daughter. This is the story in “Best Mom Ever!”

Bonnie lost her mother due to a car accident, so me coming into her life and trying to be a mother wasn’t always an easy thing to do. How do you walk the line between respecting the memory of her mother to wanting to develop my own motherly relationship with her?

It’s been a journey, filled with highs and lows, but we’ve walked this path together, communicating openly and honestly. And the fact that she opened her heart to love another mother astounds me and I couldn’t be more blessed with her and our precious relationship.

There’s something about choosing each other that has made our bond even deeper.
Bonnie’s faith in me in a parental role (when I had no children of my own previously) and now as a grandparent fills me with such joy. You never know how your heart can grow with love.
Granddaughter
She continues to inspire me as I watch her grow into her own role as a mother, and I’m so honored to walk beside her during this time.

So, while I look around the world for inspiration, I need not forget to look among my own family. This beautiful light that is my daughter is proving to be the greatest inspiration of all.

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Saluting my Children on Mother’s Day

Mother’s Day weekend just passed and during this time of honoring my Mom, I’m also thankful to be a Mom.

But me being a Mom is tribute to my kids.

As most of you know, I married a widower who had two children. So, I became an instant Mother on my wedding day.

We’ve all heard the stories of step-mothers and how awful they can be. Well, I didn’t want to be part of that story. But I also needed to find the balance between respecting the memory of my step-children’s mother while finding my own way in my new family. I didn’t want to take her place, but I wanted to find my own place — somehow, there had to be room for me.

I couldn’t achieve this on my own. Oh, I definitely had a part to play, but in order to make any kind of motherhood work, it was up to the kids.

Even as a teenager and pre-teen, the kids were smart enough to know there was room for me in their hearts. They knew loving me and treating me like a mother wasn’t an insult to their mother’s memory.

My goal was to love and raise these kids as I think their mother would’ve wanted them to be loved and raised. Any Mom only wants the best for her kids. It doesn’t have to be a competition between a memory and me.

By loving them how I thought their mother would want them to be loved and cared for, I honored their Mom — I didn’t wipe away her existence.

With the kids, they just had another person in their life that loved them and had their back.

But again, none of it would’ve been possible without the kids making that choice.

We had to choose to love each other and forge our own relationships with each other.

On Mother’s Day, I honor my kids — for making the choice to open their hearts and let me in. I’m the bonus mom, and I can’t imagine loving them anymore had I been their mom from birth.

Thanks, kids, for making me a Mom.  It’s a job I love.