Category: family

The Cancer Journeys: The Gift of Peace

It’s been a while since I’ve written a cancer blog. Admittedly, they are difficult to write. And now, someone close to me is nearing the end of his life due to cancer. It’s hard.

In watching this person face the end of his life, and to watch those close to this dear man, I’m amazed at how calm and peaceful they are when confronting this awful situation. The faith they are exhibiting is extraordinary, even through the fear and sadness.

When any of us receive a scary diagnosis, our reactions can vary. I’ve observed, and experienced, the different ways we can respond. Responses range from fear, to denial, to anger, to hope and the courage to fight, to acceptance. These are similar stages in the grief process. That’s probably not a coincidence. There is grief with a cancer diagnosis, because you are changed from that day on.

In thinking through this, there’s a quote that resonates with me these days:

You cannot control what happens to you, but you can control your attitude toward what happens to you, and in that, you will be mastering change rather than allowing it to master you. — Brian Tracy

I want to take a lesson from this person close to me and with how he is living up to that quote. I want to face life with dignity, grace, and no wasted time. That kind of strength only comes from God.

Cancer has taught me many things. Sometimes I want to ignore that I even had cancer. There are times I want to use cancer survival as motivation to spur me on and to remind me that I am stronger than I think I am. But it’s not cancer itself that affects me. It’s my faith and how I deal with cancer that can make a difference.

How we handle life’s difficulties can inspire others or disappoint or scare us and others. I can only hope I inspire like my dear family member is inspiring me…with peace and calmness, and serenity. That in and of itself is a gift.

Linking Arms: Stronger Together

Last summer was difficult in many ways, with the pandemic and a nation divided. Closer to home, the issue was a major health crisis with my parents; one had the health issue, and the other had to helplessly watch their spouse decline, then fight back. It was a challenging, life-changing time, especially for Mom and Dad. Thankfully, they’re both doing pretty well today, although things changed permanently for them.

A few of my cousins at a recent reunion (nope, this isn’t all of us!).

During the midst of this crisis, my cousins were dealing with the passing of their father, my dad’s brother, my uncle. His passing wasn’t completely unexpected, but I’m not sure that made it any easier.

The pandemic made my uncle’s funeral service smaller than what we normally would’ve done. And my parents most assuredly would’ve been among the few that would have attended. My husband and I were with my parents during this time, and I didn’t feel like I could leave them then either. It was a grim time all the way around, to say the least.

I’m part of a very large family, that thankfully, is a pretty tight bunch. Every other year, we have a “cousin reunion” that is filled with more laughter and love than we deserve. So, for all of us to be separated and not able to be together in person was heartbreaking.

However, when I was speaking to my cousin as he was making funeral arrangements with his siblings, we spoke about how difficult it was to be apart while we each were dealing with our individual trials. He then said something that has stayed with me all these months later. He said that we’re all linking arms and getting through this together. The visual image of my cousins all linking arms was an amazing one, and has resonated with me ever since. We couldn’t all be together when we wanted to be, but we could symbolically hold each other up.

I’m personally not always good at reaching out to others, but when I think about “linking arms,” it makes it easier to ask for help when needed.

How about you? Have you linked arms with someone recently, or is there someone you can reach out to and support?

We need to remember that we’re stronger together.

Raising Step-Children: Not a Competition

Mother’s Day has just passed. In this age of COVID-19, many of us didn’t see our mothers face to face, but we all hopefully still found a way to honor them.

For me, I come at motherhood with a slightly different perspective. You see, I fell in love and married a widower with two children. Thankfully, that widower had been my high school sweetheart. But that’s a story for another day.

I never take for granted that those two wonderful children (who are now grown and married) were able to open their hearts and make room for a new mother in their lives. There were many days that were difficult as I tried to make room for them to grieve, to make it easy for them to share memories of their mother, and to keep their traditions alive while trying to create our own traditions and memories. It wasn’t always easy, but these two kids were worth it. No doubt.

The fact that they both honor me on Mother’s Day is a blessing. One I treasure immensely every year. And the fact that their late mother’s family also has welcomed me and accepted me is a gift, that I continue to marvel at year after year.

There were times while my kids were growing up, when things got tough, that I tried to think what their mother, or any mother, would want for her kids. My conclusion is that she’d want someone to love them, cherish them, and care for them. To show them as fierce a love as she would give them. That was my guide as I stepped into parenthood.

I’m not trying to pat myself on the back here. My point is twofold: first, to thank my kids, and thank their grandparents, for their love and acceptance of me. Trust me, it is a treasure in my heart.

And second, for all of us to remember what can happen when we open our hearts and let love in; when we quit drawing lines in the sand, and quit putting boundaries up that keep us apart. My kids still retain the love of their mother’s family. They still have their mother in their hearts. But they made room. They made room in their hearts for me, and for my family. And by opening up, knocking down the wall of grief, they received a whole new batch of people to love them. Their family just grew. No one “replaced” anyone else. More people were added into the mix to love them.

And I received a new branch of the family as well, with my kids’ grandparents, and aunt and uncles, and cousins.

If you’re in a step-family, second marriage, have children from one parent and another — keep the walls knocked down. Don’t draw lines in the sand.

Raising children is not a competition.

It truly is amazing what happens when you tear walls down and let love in.

 

Simplify: Focus on faith, not fear

Simplify is a word that keeps coming up again and again. Right now, the world has turned upside down and we’re wrestling with the loss of freedom and control. This includes those who have lost their jobs or homes or loved ones.

For those who are trying to just make sense of world events or who are struggling with the confines of being at home, perhaps we need to look at sheltering at home as an opportunity.
Look, I’m not dismissing the seriousness of this pandemic, not at all. And it may not be easy to stay home. But I also refuse to run around with my hair on fire.

Right now, my husband and I are sequestered at home. We’re very thankful we both have jobs that allow us to work from home. So, while we’re here in this situation, I want to be productive, and instead of struggling with “can’t go to …dinner or go to the movies or go to church or whatever,” I want to focus on how to make the best of our current situation.

That goes back to “simplify.” Before the pandemic, my husband’s job kept him on the fast track, and when we did have time together, well, we both were distracted, and frankly, exhausted. Now that he’s working from home, he’s actually getting more done at his job – there are less interruptions!

Plus, like a lot families in our neighborhood, we’re out taking a walk most days. The TV isn’t on as much right now. And we’ve broken out our puzzle, which is currently spread (and finished since I first started writing this post) all over the dining room table.

While there is fear, uncertainty and restlessness right now, I’m doing my best to focus on the simpler things in life, like precious time with my husband.

For me, I try to pay attention to the simple day-to-day things. I feel closer to God, knowing I have to trust in him, that we have to be still. Be still and know that God is still here.

Follow-up Note: I wrote the above post over a week ago. I’m struggling with writing like I should be and struggle to get work done. I’m doing what I need to do, but I’m definitely not on top of my game. So, unless you think it’s easy to simplify and try to focus on just day-to-day stuff, it’s not. But I think it’s worthy to try.

I saw this quote attributed to C.S. Lewis recently, and it says, “There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind.” That inspires so much hope. Hope that things will be better once this pandemic is over. But also hope that we’ve reconnected with family and treasure our friendships, and have drawn closer to God with our faith and hope. So, while it’s a struggle some days, I still refuse to have fear overwhelm me. If I feel that happening, then it’s time to simplify again. Focus on day-to-day, on time with my husband, and knowing that God is still here and we’ll get through this.