Category: friendship

The Need for Community

This blog is entitled “Talking Among Friends” for a reason.  I want it to be a safe place to talk about friendships, relationships and life in general.  Originally, this blog started out as “Rebecca’s Journey,” where I wrote about my experience with cancer.Friends Silhouette

After a while, I didn’t want to talk about cancer any more.  Life started again, and I wanted to break away from that dreadful disease.  Relationships are what matter in this life, whether it’s your relationship with God, your family, and your spouse and kids.

Sadly, cancer is still a fact of life for friends around me.  It’s much too prevalent in this world, and I’m sure we all know someone who has had cancer or even passed away from this awful disease.

A friend of mine is recovering now, and has finished all of her treatments of chemotherapy and radiation.  She’s finding her way back.  At a recent gathering of friends, her first in a long time, she said something that struck me.  In the midst of her treatment, all she could do was sleep and focus on getting through it day-by-day. During that time, she said she couldn’t even pray.

For those of us who can’t get through the day without praying, even sending up the so-called “arrow prayers,” then we know what a dark place she was in.

As her friends, we had been rallying around her as best we could, in whatever way we could. Mostly, by prayer, emails and phone calls.

She also said something else.  She said, “Others held me up when I couldn’t.”

Talk about the power of community and friendship!  She could feel our support for her.  When I was fighting cancer, I could also feel the prayers of many.   What a comfort that was and how helpful it was in my own recovery.

Can you imagine not having friends or any type of community around you?

When life throws us curve balls, or when you’re celebrating a joyous occasion, how would it feel to celebrate alone?  Or to face the darkness alone?

We all get busy with our own families and careers, but it is so important to take the time to find that community, that fellowship and friendships in which to share your life.

We all need to make the effort, me included, to reach out more or deepen the friendships with those already in our lives.

What are you doing to take the time for friends? To find that community?

 

Being Vulnerable — It Can Be a Good Thing

Our church just had a ladies retreat weekend. I wasn’t able to go, however, two of the ladies in my life group reported on the retreat.  Sounds like I missed a good one.

The theme was about being vulnerable.  When we’re vulnerable and open to others, we also learn we’re not alone.  We find fellowship, support and encouragement with one another.

Now, this is something that I understand, but I still struggle with.  I’m not always open when I have needs. I’m not one to always request prayers.  I’ll share the joys, but don’t always share the stuff with which I’m really struggling.

This isn’t because my friends won’t be there for me.  I know they would be in a heartbeat!  The few times I have opened up when I’ve needed prayer and support, they’ve been there.

I think my issue is that I don’t want to come across whiny or negative.  Do you have people in your life that when you see their name come up on your caller ID, you almost dread talking with them. It’s going to be something negative — because that’s just their personality.  Then sometimes you end up ducking their calls.

I don’t want to be that person, the one who is avoided.  Generally, I’m a very positive person and try to look at the bright side of life (to use a cliche).  But I’m also sensitive.  It’s hard to be open and vulnerable, because you don’t want to get stomped on either.

A couple of weeks ago, a woman at the gym, who truly was trying to be encouraging, said something about me needing cuter workout clothes.  What was something that was meant to encourage me in my workouts, only hit a sensitive spot of my weight.  Now I’ve lost 75 pounds, and I feel good.  And I definitely don’t go to the gym to impress anybody else.  But for some reason, her words just hit a mark.  Stupid, huh?

But things like that shouldn’t prevent from opening up to my friends, to those who care about me.  When we open up, we learn that we’re not alone in this life and that others are going through the same things we are.  We really can share together and learn from our various experiences.

One thing to remember though, is that why you’re asking for prayer from someone and sharing your story, take the time to listen to them and let them share with you.  Let’s be there for each other.

Being vulnerable isn’t one-sided.

What are your thoughts on being vulnerable?  Opening up or trusting another? Is it easy or difficult for you to do?

 

Friendship and the movie "The Four Seasons"

I’m dating myself, but one of my favorite movies is “The Four Seasons” from 1981 with Alan Alda, Carol Burnett, Rita Moreno and more. The movie is about three couples, all in their 40s with college-aged kids, who vacation together and share their lives together.

My favorite line in the movie, which strikes me every time I hear it, comes towards the end, where Carol Burnett’s character, Kate, says “I don’t want to be one of two people alone in the world at the end of my life. I want to have friends.”

Isn’t that how we all feel? We don’t want to be alone, we want to have friends…meaningful friends.

I grew up as the daughter of an Air Force officer. If you know anything about the military life, you know we moved around a lot. So, there were friends who came and went, like the seasons. And thankfully, there were other friends, who despite the years and the distance, have remained close, lifelong friends.

We all have seasons with friendships. In high school, you never imagine life without your friends that you met then. Some of us are still close with those high school friends. But more often than not, I would guess, we did not maintain most of those relationships.

College might be a different story. I would think that a lot of us maintain at least some of the friends we had in college. My husband’s freshman class from Texas A&M’s Corps of Cadets is one great example. More on that unit in an upcoming blog post.

Other friends we meet through church, or when we’re going through similar circumstances, like mommy groups and school functions.

Our church encourages “Life Groups,” which are meant to be a safe place to go deeper with friendship and truly fellowship together in faith and life.

But how do you maintain friendships when that season in time has passed? Do you even want to?

What is that special bond that brings friends together and holds them together?

I know we need to be intentional with friendships….with any relationship.

I need to be intentional, because it would be way too easy to focus just on my husband and not make an effort with outside friends.

But as the movie says, “I don’t want to be one of two people alone in the world at the end of my life. I want to have friends.”

Do you agree?

Going Deeper with Friendship

As we take this blog in a new direction by examining relationships, I find myself examining my own relationships. Comments from a couple of friends of mine have really stuck in my head. These people have mentioned offhandedly that I am too private, that I don’t share with them my problems or my worries. I didn’t share with them things I’ve done. One of my friends was surprised to learn that I had a speaking engagement in the months previous to this conversation. That’s pretty minor, yet why wouldn’t I share something like that? It’s exciting!

So that got me thinking, why didn’t I share that with her? Am I too guarded? Do I not open up enough with my friends?

I know I want to have deeper relationships. I think sometimes I hold back because I don’t want to come across as the whiny friend, the desperate friend, the one who always needs something or is always complaining.

Unfortunately I have a friend like this. It got to the point where I dreaded the phone calls from this person because I knew it would be something negative. This is someone I’ve known since high school. But this was also one of my friends who told me that I never shared any problems I had or anything I was going through at the time. She took it as an offense that I wouldn’t open up to her. That has stuck in my brain and really got to me. I don’t consider myself someone who’s not sharing and not open. But in a way, it’s true, although I consider myself a very caring person.

In my small group at church were discussing ways to go deeper in our relationships with each other and how can we really make the group something special and dynamic. So I have an opportunity in front of me to go deeper yet I still feel myself holding back.

I can’t figure out what holds me back from letting people in a little deeper. I have friends that I share things with, but they are few. My husband is my best friend, and he probably knows me better than anyone. But why won’t I go deeper with my other friends, those I care about and want in my life?

Does my “fear” of being too whiny and needy outweigh me “going deeper” with my friends… trusting them? Do I fear rejection? Is the bigger question: am I missing out on more meaningful friendships by holding back?

What advice do you have? What experiences have you had in trusting your friends, and really confiding in them?

I look forward to hearing from you.

(Photo credit: Photos_by_Lis / Foter.com / CC BY-NC-ND)