Tag: hope

Advice to my Younger and Older Self

17-year-old younger me

You know the question: What advice would you give to your younger self?

Well, I always want to say “Have more confidence in yourself. Don’t be afraid. And don’t say yes to the first guy who asks you to marry him!” (😉)

Recently, I think I’d also want to say “Don’t waste time.” Frankly, I’m saying that to my current self, not just my younger self.

As we get older, it’s easy to look back and see where we wasted time and notice the missed opportunities. I don’t like living a life of regret. Truthfully, there’s very little I regret, because everything in my past has led me to where I am today, and where I am is a pretty good place to be.

However, there are moments when I feel like I’ve let opportunities pass me by. I got lazy and didn’t work hard for what I really wanted. Other times, when I was ready to embrace an opportunity, other life events got in the way.

Then frustration builds. I’ll say to myself “I want to quit this writing gig, because I’m never going to finish my novels or get published.” Or “I really blew it this week with overeating and too little exercise, so what’s the point?”

Do you see how easy it is to let frustration, doubt, and disappointment begin to color your future choices?

Nothing changes if nothing changes. I can’t change decisions and missed opportunities from the past. But I can start again from today, right now. I can get off my butt and exercise. I can keep writing. And I can pray that God will give me another chance. If he’s closing the door permanently, then I pray he shows me the new path he wants me on.

Some days we really have to battle and pray through all of the negative thoughts. Why are they so much stronger than the positive ones. Ten people can love a story I’ve written, but the one negative comment will leap over all the positive ones.

It’s time we quit being so fragile. Yeah, easier said than done. But when we know what we’re supposed to do, then it’s time to do it. If we mess up for a day, then get right back on the path the next day.

It’s simple, yet so very hard. I admire the folks who seem to have such confidence that nothing throws them off their game. However, I bet they even have bad days. They just know how to get right back on the horse.

In days of doubt and discouragement, I’m learning to make a concerted effort to fight off those negative thoughts and keep pushing ahead. It can be a daily battle.

But I believe it’s one worth fighting.

The Cancer Journeys: Blindsided by Emotions

I’m currently planning a series of blog posts about cancer, called “The Cancer Journeys.” This will be a series of posts about my journeys with cancer that are designed to give someone else hope and courage, no matter what you’re going through.

As I was gathering old journal entries and making notes of my thoughts, my emotions started going all over the place. I stopped, and told my husband, “My brain is full.” I got really sad, and, if you ask my husband, maybe even a bit prickly. 😉

It’s taken me a few days to sort through my emotions, and I’ve come to a startling conclusion: I’m angry! This surprises me, because I’m not very temperamental, and not the anger type.

However, right before Christmas, I had surgery, and from that surgery, the pathology showed I had endometrial cancer. This is my third time with cancer, and all three are different types. With this most recent one, before the hysterectomy, we weren’t even 100% sure that it was cancer. With my other two cancers, we already had the confirmed diagnosis and had an idea of what we were dealing with. This time, we didn’t.

It’s really strange to find out you had cancer after the fact. We caught it early, and no other treatment is required. It was almost over before it began. My first symptom showed up November 1st, and by December 21st, I was in surgery. It happened quick, and before I could blink, I was recovering from surgery.

Now, here I am, just over two months later, I’m recovered, feeling great, and back to my regular activities and life. But emotionally, maybe not so much.

As many of you may know, my husband and I were high school sweethearts, who ended up at different colleges, and eventually to different lives. We reunited and married 21 years after high school. Yes, we’re one of those couples. During those 21 years apart, my husband married and had children, then tragically lost his wife in a car accident.

Over the years, we’ve talked a lot about grief, especially how grief can blindside you. You can be going along, doing okay, then hear a song on the radio or smell her favorite perfume, and bam! Suddenly, you’re a puddle of tears.

I think there’s grief with cancer as well. Please know, I’m not equating the loss of a loved one with the loss of a body part or two. But there is a level of grief and emotion when you’re battling for your health.

Even if the immediate diagnosis, surgery, crisis have all passed, you can still be blindsided. Any traumatic event is going to leave a scab. And sometimes scabs get ripped open again and bleeds.

You know what? It’s okay to be emotional. I’m good at stuffing my emotions and putting on a brave front. But once in a while, you just have to roll with the punches. And this week, I’m acknowledging my anger at a third cancer diagnosis, despite the fact that all is well right now.

I won’t carry this anger around forever – that takes too much energy! But I need to acknowledge it, face it, then put it behind me as best I can.

God has gifted me with a glorious life. It’s time to get on with it!

How about you? Have you ever had emotions sneak up on you from a past event? How did you deal with it? I’d love to hear from you.

Seek and You Shall Find – The Negative Trap

You know, for a writer and a blogger, I’m not doing a very good job posting on my blog these days. I know that happens from time to time, but I truly enjoy blogging, so I’m a little bummed out about my lack of consistency.

Okay, the world is full of distractions, but as the saying goes “Writers write.” We have to learn to fight through the distractions and keep on doing our job.

For me, I’m trying to figure out why it’s been so difficult recently. And yes, the world is crazy right now, and there’s a feeling of isolation due to Covid. Last year, however, was more than just Covid and the pandemic that none of us saw coming. It was the anger of this nation, with the presidential election dividing America nearly in half. It was the protests and riots, and general unrest that had many of us shaking our heads wondering what was happening to the United States. Then, if you throw in any type of personal crisis, health issue, job loss, and more, well, how much more can we take?

The new year was going to bring new hope, and there are sparks of hope, but overall, things remain the same.

So, for me, trying to have any glimmer of creativity has been tough. I’ve determined that a lot of my block has been negativity. The world is angry. I feel like we’ve lost our kindness and compassion for one another. There’s so much negativity going around that it’s blocking out the positive. Comments on social media posts are vindictive and nasty. You can’t even agree to disagree. If you don’t believe like someone else does, they can call you all kinds of names, and are so filled with hate, it’s almost frightening. What happened to politeness and plain old common courtesy?

Personally, I don’t mind disagreeing with others. I like hearing their viewpoint on issues. By listening to all sides, I learn new things. I can think about things from a different perspective. Even if I still disagree with them, I like knowing their point of view. This goes back to agreeing to disagree. I try to be an open, positive person in my day-to-day life, but right now, the negativity is sucking the energy and creativity right out of me. I’m weighed down with hopelessness. How do you combat that?

There’s only one way: Look for the good. If you’re in such a mindset of anger, then you’ll only see offense everywhere you turn. If you look for kindness, you’ll see positivity more and more. It’s too easy to fall into the negative trap.

My faith helps me a lot. And lately the Bible verse in 1 Thessalonians that says “Pray without ceasing” has been put into action like never before. Jeremiah 29:12-13 (NIV) says, “Then you call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.”

That’s what I need to keep in mind: What am I seeking? Am I so consumed with negativity that it’s the only thing I see? Or am I looking for good things? Anger breeds anger, but on the flipside, kindness breeds kindness.

We need to ask ourselves what are we looking for? I know what I’m seeking – how about you?

Learning to Trust God…The Hard Way

Two blog posts that I wrote over the summer have come back to haunt me. In July, I wrote a post called “Reality of Faith, Trust and a Positive Attitude.” And the meme included with that post said “Trust in Him, Always, All Days.”

Then in early August, I wrote a post titled “Being Bold in a Time of Fear” which talked about being stouthearted (quoting from Psalm 183:3).

Never could I imagine what I would face where the messages of those two posts would have me nearly eating my own words. Suddenly, I found myself asking if I really did trust God and was I truly being stouthearted.

When things are going well in our lives, it’s easy to believe you have strength, and that you’re trusting God in all things. For me, even through this pandemic, and now with election season, it’s easy for me to say “God is in control.” Because outside of wearing my mask and casting my vote (even when I wish there was a “none of the above” category), I have to leave the fate of this country in God’s hands. It’s pretty much out of my control.

But in mid-August, things hit much closer to home, and that’s when I began to ask if I was stouthearted enough to trust God always, all days. Without going into details, out of respect for the privacy of my family, I became one of the many, many adult children who deal with the health issues of aging parents. Suddenly, I was thrust into a scenario where I had to make many critical decisions (with the support of my wonderful husband). Along the way, I had to deal with the emotions of both parents; one going through the health crisis, and the other watching their spouse of 60-plus years go through said crisis. Plus, I had to deal with my own fears and emotions, all while trying to make important and scary decisions about future care management. The world weighed heavy on my shoulders, causing me to spend a lot of time on my knees, praying, and crying, and yelling.

At my core, I had to answer if I really trusted God. And my answer was and is: yes. But that doesn’t mean I understand what God is up to. It doesn’t mean that I can’t be a little angry at Him because two wonderful people were suffering so much. It just means that I realized I couldn’t handle the burden, decisions, and fear on my own. I had to trust God. I had to lay everything at His feet, begging for peace, healing and relief.

In that moment, it didn’t appear that my prayers were answered, but they eventually were. And, as we’re moving through October, we’ve had a time of relative peace, of adjusting to the situation, and we’ve had miracle after miracle of healing.

We’ve seen God’s hand in nearly everything. Yes, hindsight is 20/20. We can see clearer looking back at the situation than we could while we were going through the tough days. God was always there.

So, what about next time? Will I be able to be more stouthearted? Will I truly trust the Lord through the next crisis? I’d like to think so. I hope I have a long memory. But that doesn’t mean I won’t have moments of fear, anger, and wondering what God is up to.

Whatever my emotions are, I hope that I will always turn to God in prayer, and know He is working with us, even in the darkest of times.